How many times a week do you think back on a scenario and think, “Dang, I should’ve said that”? There are some weeks where I need more fingers and toes to count that high. Do you have times when this happens daily?
I think all introverts get stuck in an overthinking loop and will come up with 5 or 6 (or more!) comebacks to that snarky remark someone made; or defenses to their actions that someone challenged; or better pick up lines they could’ve used on that attractive person across the room.
I was in a situation about 9 months ago where I very uncharacteristically told a colleague of mine that a comment he made was a real jerk thing to say. Admittedly, “jerk” was not the term I used and it was through a text message (introverts can be braver in texts), but I felt I was justified in pointing this out. Communication is not this person’s strong point.
Long story short, when I saw him face to face about an hour later, he very heatedly and loudly spewed out this barrage of every little thing that he either blamed me for or was annoyed at for the last 4 years, which is how long I’ve known him. He attacked my character, my integrity, and my ability to do my job in front of other colleagues. When he finished, I felt about 2 inches high and my mind was spinning so fast and I was so angry and insulted that do you know what I countered with?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I simply asked him if he was finished, picked up my things and went home. I have thought about that encounter every day for the last 9 months. EVERY. DAY. It’s like a bad dream that keeps recurring. It plays over and over in my head and it just won’t stop.
There have been so many versions of what I should’ve said that I stopped counting. There are lots of accomplishments I should’ve pointed out when my competency was questioned. There are dozens of retaliations I should’ve thrown out to illustrate why he should carry at least part of the blame in the things that he put totally on me.
One of the things I hate most about being an introvert is not being able to speak up. Whether I’m being criticized or treated unfairly, whether someone is being mean to others or is ignorant of the circumstances, why do I hold my tongue? Am I that much of a people pleaser? Am I simply avoiding conflict or does it run deeper than that? I know I’ll be haunted by whatever happens for weeks, months, or even years so why can’t I be just as confrontational as the other guy?
It’s just not in me. I’m sure there’s a better, scientific answer than that, but that’s all I can come up with. It’s not my nature. No matter how unnatural it is to just stand there and let someone else berate me, it’s just not. I hate it because it makes me feel weak and inferior and that sits way in the back of my brain, ready to strike every time I try to build my confidence back up.
Does this happen to anyone else? Have you overcome anything like this? If so, please share how you did it and how you keep doing it. Thanks in advance for your support.