Where Do I Fit In?
If you’re an introvert, I’m assuming you’ve asked yourself this question more times than you can count. Unfortunately, it’s difficult for us to reveal a lot of personal information to those who are not our most trusted and dearest friends. More often than not, we feel like we’re on the outside looking in. And when we look around and observe different groups of people, we ask, “where do I fit in”?
It can be rough! There may not be a group where we see ourselves being accepted. Probably because we are looking at these people: the loud ones…the talkative ones…the ones who are competing for everyone’s attention. We mistakenly believe that we have to be that way too or no one will like us.
Do I even want to fit in?
I believe this is the question we should be asking. I tried to shoehorn myself into 3 or 4 different groups when I was younger. This was before I knew what an introvert was. I didn’t know that it was okay to want to be by myself. I thought I had to be popular, no matter which crowd I was with, or I wouldn’t be happy. But I was always changing something about myself to try to belong. I either had to be conniving and manipulative, bubbly and spirited, cut-throat and competitive, or bad ass and scrappy. There was never a group where I could just be myself.
A wide variety of experiences happened that let me know, without a doubt, that I was expected to fall in line or find a new group. Do what someone else wants or be pushed aside. I endured a lot of rejection back then and it shaped how I saw myself. I noticed that, more than anything, I just wanted to be accepted.
Isn’t that what we all want, though, in some form or another? The problem is, when we’re young and impressionable and this is the message we get over and over again, we give in. We’ve been broken down to the point where we’ll do or become whatever someone else wants us to be. We think that much needed approval will fill that empty hole in our gut.
Does this work?
It did work…for a little while. I felt that people liked me. That I was a part of something. That I fit in. Yes, even for someone who doesn’t like the attention, there was a sense of relief and joy. Somebody thinks I’m cool! But is it sustainable? How long could I go along with the charade? These feelings can give the false impression of being accepted, but in reality, was I really?
For me, it didn’t take long before I became lost. Who was I? What had I become? I had a vast collection of masks that I became very adept at switching out, depending on who I was spending time with. I wore them so much that I forgot what I looked like. When it was time to go to college, someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, and I couldn’t answer them because I didn’t have the first clue what I wanted. One day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person looking back at me. So does it work? Not really…at least, not forever.
So what do I do now?
Well, it depends. No strategy will work the same way for everyone. For me, I had to figure out who I truly was first. But I had to be careful not to let that process go on for too long. I knew there was a danger of getting stuck in that path, which would’ve kept me from moving forward.
Another suggestion. Realize that if you have to be or act in a way that’s contrary to your core beliefs in order to be “cool enough” for someone, then they are the one with the problem. Not you. Giving a person an ultimatum like that could be a sign that they are insecure, selfish or controlling. Do you want to give your time to someone like that?
One of my biggest revelations was noticing that I put my entire sense of self worth in the hands of someone else. I let another person decide if I mattered. If you remember nothing else from this entry, please remember this. YOU MATTER! You are a blessing to this world and you are important. Stop trying to be something you’re not just to satisfy someone else. You, and you alone determine your worth.
So before you ask yourself, “Where do I fit in?”, make sure you know the answer to, “Do you really want to?”