I hate change. Hate is a harsh word, but there’s no tip-toeing around this. I absolutely abhor it. Yes, I’m sensitive and yes, I’m a sappy nostalgic, but you would think that after decades of change in my life that I would be used to it. Or that it would get easier. It doesn’t though. Even when I’m the one initiating a switch, there is still the fear of the unknown, the dread of developing new habits, the anxiety of meeting new people, and the hope that the grass is actually greener.
It reminds me of a job I had for many years that I shouldn’t have stayed in. It was a manager’s job with a strong focus on customer service. It was a good job. I loved the industry and I became friends with a lot of my coworkers, but, in hindsight, the downside far outweighed the good things. Can you imagine an introvert going to work everyday knowing their shift will be filled with complaining customers? Some of them so irate that they cuss you out, spew insults at you, throw their drink on you, or even threaten you with physical harm. Yes, these people do exist and let’s just say that I am now a firm believer that the customer is NOT always right.
I am absolutely terrible at dealing with conflict. Why was I putting myself through this, year after long year? I honestly believe it’s because I was terrified to do anything different. I was good at my job, but I would come home exhausted and completely mentally and emotionally drained. I needed to resign. I knew it. My family knew it. Yet every time I would get close to doing it, I’d sabotage myself.
I would torture myself with worst case scenarios that I’d spend days dreaming up in my mind. I’d tell myself, “Your new coworkers will not welcome or accept an introvert”; “Your new boss might be a jerk or will treat you like crap”; or “You’ll never find a job that will work with your schedule.” Several nights sleep would be lost while I would attempt to script out exactly what I would do or say should any of these hypothetical situations occur. I even had several slightly different versions of the same scenarios with arguments to go along with it. Eventually I would convince myself that I was better off with the devil I knew.
It took many years, but I finally made the break. It was agonizing, but hey…whatever doesn’t kill you, right? RIght. *Sigh* Yeah, I still hate change.