Learning And Avoidance

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about being an Introvert with Social Anxiety Disorder (https://thecardcarryingintrovert.com/the-socially-anxious-introvert/). Since then, I’ve been reading a lot more on the differences between the two and I’m finding out more and more that what I thought were my Introvert qualities have really been symptoms of Social Anxiety in disguise! And I’ll tell you what…it’s really bittersweet. While I can finally have answers to the ever-present “why am I reacting like this?” questions, it’s hard to admit (even to myself, let alone others) that I have a “disorder”.

I’ve always wondered why, as I get older, my introversion seems to get more and more severe. I mean, in my high school and college days, I always did prefer quiet and alone time just listening to music and writing short stories or screenplays, but I also found it just as easy to go out with friends or go to parties. I was still always the quietest one, but I had no issues joining a circle of debating friends or striking up a conversation with a stranger. Maybe it was the invincibility of youth that allowed me to be fearless or, more likely, my Social Anxiety hadn’t developed yet.

One of the biggest differences between introversion and anxiety is that we are born with our introverted personality trait, but social anxiety is a monster that is made out of fear, and it’s usually a product of two things: learning and avoidance.

Think about it. There are constant reminders in this world that who we are is not good enough. There’s marketers that tell us we don’t have the ideal body type or shape; supermoms who make us feel like a bad parent for not throwing a Pinterest-perfect birthday party; Bosses who tell us our best work doesn’t measure up, no matter how many hours we spent on a project; Bullies who tell us we are a nobody and will never be worthy.

This is stuff that gets into our heads and when we hear it enough, it breaks our spirit and soon enough, we start to think that what they’re saying is true! BTW’s, why is the bad stuff so easy to believe? So we “learn” these things about ourselves and how can we help but fear that others will always judge us and find us wanting.

Now that we’ve “learned” that we’re not up to par, the fear of our faults being revealed can lead us right into “avoidance”. We’ll bolt at the end of a meeting because we don’t want to risk getting caught up in small talk and possibly saying the wrong thing. We don’t offer our opinion in a conversation because it might be a different and unaccepted stance. We nervously stare at our phones instead of answering when someone calls because what if we sound stupid? We become convinced that people are judging our every tiny detail and we completely freeze up. It becomes infinitely more desirable to “avoid” it all, so we close ourselves off from our perceived accusers.

Once we start down this path of “avoidance” it’s very easy and comfortable to stay there and before we know it, the majority of every day interactions become too much for us to handle. This is where we need to be careful. If we allow this to continue, we could lose the essential skills we need to function in the everyday world and become trapped in a bubble of our own making. How would we provide for ourselves if we are too afraid to go to work? How would we communicate our own needs if we aren’t able to talk to people? How lonely or depressed would we become if we can’t interact with others?

I used to feel like I could simply hide behind my introversion and use it to excuse any of my anxious characteristics. My answer to everything was, “Well, I’m an introvert, so it’s ok.” But I’m realizing that it’s an excuse and that if I want to get my confidence back I have to undo all of the “learning” I’ve done and stop “avoiding” things that make me uncomfortable. It’s going to be a long journey, but with baby steps, I know I can get there.