Here We Go!

It’s a bittersweet time for me.

I work at a local school, so I haven’t had a regular workday since last March and my introverted self is quite alright with that. But if you’ve read some of my more recent posts, you know that I’ve been laid up for awhile with a fractured hip and have a bit of cabin fever.

So here we go!

Back to school!

All rejoice!

Or maybe not, depending on your circumstances. There is so much uncertainty and so many questions that can only be answered with “I don’t know” right now. (Side note: Please be kind to your child’s teachers and school administrators. They’re doing the best they can with the “changes-every-five-minutes” guidelines they are given). It’s a nightmarishly fluid situation that requires more patience and flexibility than any of us possess, but we can do it!

In about a week or so, I will be back at my job…however that will look. I guess I’ll find out when I get there. Here’s the bittersweet part. While I am very excited to not be cooped up anymore, I secretly still want to be cooped up.

Does that make any sense?

Don’t misunderstand. It’s not about fear (or no fear) of the ‘Rona…that’s a whole other topic in itself. It’s about being an introvert.

Having a place to go everyday where I can be useful is going to be great! But that means venturing out of my space that has had everything I needed within arm’s reach for the last 5 months. It’s being excited to see co-workers and be around people in general, but dreading the noise and sensory overload that comes with it. It’s wanting to hear how everyone’s summer was, but not really wanting to share about my own.

The end-of-summer-vacation struggle is definitely real and it brings with it all kinds of anxiety that I keep thinking I should be used to by now, but it rears it’s stubborn head every August. I will spend weeks with a mixture of excited butterflies and lumpy nausea in my stomach and trust me, it’s a combo you do not want to experience.

I’ve already been berating myself for allowing these feelings to take over. The bullying voice in my head scolds my lack of strength and tells me I might as well hide, cowering in my office, when anyone comes in. I mean really, what could I possibly have to share that they would be interested in? What could I bring to the table in terms of helping to solve a problem? Everyone is so busy and moving with a purpose…I would only be interrupting their thoughts if I said hello, or keeping them from their purpose if I tried to chat. So I keep my mouth shut.

It’s the dialogue I’ve been trying to silence for years but is so annoyingly persistent that it wears me out. A lot of times I wonder if other introverts need to recharge as often, or for as long as I do. I’m sure my social anxiety has a rather large role to play in this as well, and I’ll bet that’s where my bullying voice is rooted. Getting it to shut up is a work in progress, but every once in awhile I’m successful and it pushes me to keep chopping it down. I look forward to the day when my initial response is not to flee when a social situation presents itself, but rather to welcome a chance to get to know someone a little bit better and find a connection.

If you’re also an introvert, let me know if you can relate to this at all. How long is your recharge time and how often do you need to do it? I’d love to hear your story!