No, Introverts Don’t Socialize Wrong. Here’s Why.
Introverts don’t want — or need — to socialize as often as the typical extrovert does, and that’s perfectly okay.
Our extroverted society has an irritating message for us introverts when it comes to how we socialize: “You’re doing it wrong.”
Sometimes, the message is explicit. Someone in your life will actually say it to you, in so many words.
Far more often, though, it’s implicit — beneath the radar. An undercurrent running silently through your life, largely beyond your awareness because it’s so embedded in the wider culture: “You’re doing it wrong.”
The message is code, of course, for: “You’re not socializing the extroverted way.” Or maybe even: “You’re not socializing at all — not the way you’re supposed to, anyway.”
ARGH!
Sorry.
But it gets old after a while, doesn’t it?
It’s like we introverts are failing the “socializing exam,” the one we not only haven’t been studying for but also resent having to take in the first place.
I wish it weren’t necessary to say what I’m about to say, fellow introvert, but alas — it is.
It’s a counter-message — a reminder, really — that you need to hear and digest. It’s something that’s too often unsaid, as far as your socializing is concerned: You’re not doing it wrong — you just do it differently than extroverts do. And you have your reasons — six of them, in fact — all of them utterly sensible and logical when you’re an introvert.
6 Ways Introverts Socialize Differently Than Extroverts
1. You prefer lower-frequency social settings.
Introverts don’t want — or need — to socialize as much as, or as often as, the typical extrovert does.
Why?
For starters, if you’re an introvert, you value quality over quantity where all your relationships are concerned. For you, less is more in every respect.
Take friends, for example. While the extroverts in your life may have 50 people they call friends… or a hundred… or more… you’re apt to have three, five, maybe a dozen true friends, along with a host of people you view as acquaintances.
There just aren’t as many people in your life that you want or need to socialize with.
And even when you do socialize with people, you’d much rather see them in two- or three-hour spurts spaced weeks — or months — apart vs. every day (or even every week).
Which brings us to the second reason…
Compared with extroverts, you need to build more time and mental space between your socializing sessions so that you get the alone time you need to recharge your batteries and prepare for whatever is coming next in your daily life.
Which includes, of course, gearing up for the next bit of socializing you’ll do.
2. You usually want planned, not spontaneous, get-togethers.
You weren’t expecting it and, therefore, you’re not ready for it from an energy standpoint.
Many extroverts will tell you that spontaneous and fun are effectively synonyms; to them, it’s impossible for spontaneity to be anything but fun.
And let’s be clear: You can do spontaneous, too. On occasion, you may even enjoy it — especially when you yourself (and not someone else) make the decision to be spontaneous in the first place (i.e., you’re being spontaneous in a way you control, rather than having it thrust upon you).
But when you’re an introvert, you know full well that spontaneous socializing often leads to feeling drained in the end.
It ends up being a one-two knockdown punch:
- You don’t get any chance to prepare ahead of time — to pre-charge your batteries for what is always a draining experience, even when you enjoy it.
- Thanks to #1, your already-depleted batteries dwindle even more when you say “yes” to the spontaneous socializing invitation!
In short, spontaneous socializing generally costs too much, with too little return on your investment of energy and time.
So, you naturally tend to avoid it.
3. You crave one-on-one interactions.
When your chatty extroverted colleagues invite your entire team of 20 out for Friday-night dinner after a long week at work, you don’t typically see it as an appealing socializing opportunity.
You see it as more work.
You see overtime — overtime that not only offers you no extra pay but actually makes you pay extra.
Even though you’ll be with 20 other people, people you know pretty well, you know you won’t be able to truly connect with any of them.
Talking to 20 people at a time — or trying to — simply doesn’t work for you.
You’d rather socialize one-on-one so that you have the other person to yourself, and vice versa.
That way, you can actually talk to the other person, and they can talk to you.
Twenty people at a time?
No chance.
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4. You seek depth and substance.
You know there’s such a thing as small talk, and you can even bring yourself to see the purpose in it.
You may not love it — you don’t have to — but at least you’ve made your peace with having to engage in small talk sometimes. It’s part of life. No problem.
But none of that changes what you really want in your social interactions with other people.
You seek depth.
Substance.
Real conversation.
Not “Nice weather we’re having,” “How ‘bout those [name of sports team],” “That was some wild traffic out there,” or even “So… what do you do?”
If you’re going to invest time and energy in social interactions, and you really — really — have a choice, you’re going to gravitate toward interactions that have, say, better than 50-50 odds of resulting in a deep, engaging, thoughtful conversation.
And let’s face it: At many big gatherings, those types of interactions just don’t happen.
Often, they really can’t happen. Some people, after all, want to stay as far away from the deep stuff as possible — which, of course, is their right.
And even when you happen to run into people who are more open to it… well, you can’t really “go deep” the first time you meet somebody, for example, or when you know you’ll have only a minute or two with someone before they move on to somebody else.
5. You need quiet.
“How come you won’t come to the bar with us?!”
“It’ll be fun!”
“Don’t be such a party pooper!”
Where to begin?
While you may indeed want to go to the bar sometimes — and you may even enjoy yourself, to boot — you likely go with understandably low expectations in terms of your socializing abilities and satisfaction.
That’s because you’re not into screaming your words, which is often what it takes to (try to) communicate with someone in such a loud, crowded, overstimulating setting.
It’s bad enough that you can’t hear the person you’re trying to talk to.
What’s even worse is that you can’t hear yourself — you can’t even think… because you can’t hear yourself think… because there’s just too much going on in the environment around you.
That might be why you politely decline — and then have to repeat yourself, typically — when someone says to you, “How come you won’t come to the bar with us?!”
Because, for you, that type of socializing is not fun.
In fact, you feel like more of a party pooper when you go to these things — because, in doing so, you flush your own wants and needs down the toilet.
6. You long for distraction-free conversations.
Finally, you’re having a lovely get-together with someone you care about!
It’s been a while since you’ve seen your companion, and you planned your meeting a week in advance, so your socializing batteries are pre-charged — and then some.
And it’s just the two of you today. Hooray!
You figure you’ll be having one of those engaging conversations you love. Woo-hoo!
And you’re at a calm little coffee shop, with the place practically to yourselves. Yay!
So you begin talking, letting your guard down, and sharing what you’ve been up to, how you’ve been feeling, what you’ve been struggling with… anything and everything.
And then…
Your friend goes for their phone.
And starts reading a text while “listening” to you continue.
And then starts typing a return text while “listening” to you continue.
And then reads the reply to the return text while “listening” to you continue.
But they’re still with you, they think.
Nope.
They’re gone.
You’ve lost them — to the phone, in this case, but it could be to just about any other distraction or interruption you can think of: the TV, a colleague barging into the room unannounced, kids wanting what they want (and wanting it now), you name it.
When you’re an introvert, it’s hard to socialize even when conditions are virtually perfect. Yes, it’s rewarding and fun — again, if the conditions are right — but it’s still tiring in the best of circumstances.
It’s vulnerable, too. Risky. You’re sharing yourself, after all, and for many of us introverts, that’s challenging all on its own.
Is it any wonder, then, that you’d rather not be interrupted midstream, especially when the interruption(s) is completely preventable?
“You’re too demanding,” is the counter-argument you might hear. “We live in the real world, with phones and TVs and colleagues and kids. Get over it!”
Fair. To a point. Sometimes, you do indeed have to “get over it” and put up with an interruption or three. We all do.
But you’re not required to like it. And you’re right — not wrong — in refusing to settle for it as the “new normal” in socializing etiquette and expectations.
Just as you’re right to embrace all of your own sensible socializing preferences as the introvert you are.
Because you’re not “doing it wrong” in your socializing. You’re doing it right — and wisely.
You socialize your own way: Introvert-style. 
