How Introverts Can Increase Their Self-Esteem

Our self-esteem might feel like something we can’t control — but it’s actually something we have a lot of power over.

I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. Money was tight, work was stressful, and a couple of unexpected career setbacks hit just as I was trying to get back on my feet. It felt like I was failing, and that made me feel like a failure.

As that feeling sank in — and as I started to believe it — it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I stopped eating healthy, I spoke to my friends less, and my mental health suffered.

That’s the power of self-esteem: When it soars, it lifts your whole life up, but when it drops, it drops everything. You might even feel like you’ve lost yourself.

And, for introverts — who tend to have fewer social ties and less social support in their life — self-esteem can be an even bigger struggle. In fact, some research has found that introverts, in general, are more likely to have low self-esteem. But we also have the power to fix it.

(Are you an introvert? Here are 21 signs that confirm you’re an introvert.)

Why Is Self-Esteem So Important?

According to Psychology Today, self-esteem refers to how you perceive yourself and how much worth or value you believe you have. It’s a subjective feeling that helps drive your behavior toward positive outcomes. Research shows that people with higher self-esteem tend to achieve more success at work or school, feel happier and more confident in life, and have better mental health and better overall well-being.

In other words: Low self-esteem can hold you back, not only in your career and social life, but in the quality of your life overall.

Often, it feels like our self-esteem is something we can’t control — but it’s actually something we have a lot of power over. Psychologist and self-esteem expert Nathanial Branden is the author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. As you may have guessed, he says self-esteem rests on six specific factors:

Self-acceptance, embracing all the parts of who you are.
Self-responsibility, taking responsibility for your actions and choices.
Self-assertiveness, voicing your opinions and needs, and setting healthy boundaries.
Living consciously, being present in the moment and making active choices to guide your life rather than allowing things to happen.
Personal integrity, acting true to your values.
Self-actualization, pursuing activities that match your passions and actively seeking to reach your full potential.

Yet these can be challenging things to achieve.

Do Introverts Have Low Self-Esteem?

According to a 2020 study headed by Finnish psychologist Sanna Tuovinen, introverts tend to have lower self-esteem than extroverts do. One reason for this might be that introverts simply don’t “fit” our cultural image of extroverts and social butterflies as the most popular, successful people. As a result, they don’t develop as much confidence and self-esteem as extroverts, who do fit the image. But Tuovinen was looking for a deeper explanation.

To find it, she and her colleagues assessed a group of 862 high school students — not only for introversion and self-esteem, but also for social engagement. Social engagement refers to how connected and involved a person is with the people around them, and how actively they participate in their social group or community. Introverts, like anyone else, can have high or low social engagement, but — as you might expect — they are less socially engaged, on average, than extroverts.

It turns out, that gap in social engagement makes a difference. Tuovinen found that the introverts who were more socially engaged also had the highest self-esteem — enough to rival extroverts. It was the introverts who were less socially engaged that had lower self-esteem. This makes sense, since so much of our self-image comes from our sense of acceptance and value in a community. (In fact, according to the World Health Organization, social engagement even helps you live longer and age in better health.)

These findings are good news for introverts, because unlike society’s opinion of us, how much we engage with others is largely under our own control. It may be tiring at times, but you will get a benefit out of making the effort to connect with others.

But that’s just a starting point. Below are specific practices you can use to increase not only your sense of social engagement, but your overall self-esteem as an introvert.

4 Ways Introverts Can Increase Their Self-Esteem

1. Express yourself in ways that feel comfortable.

Most introverts aren’t the sort to blurt out their opinions or stand on a table and ask for people’s attention. Often, we prefer not to talk to people at all (unless we already know them). This is important to conserve our energy, but it also means sometimes we often don’t get to express our opinions and preferences, or share the things that matter to us. The result is, we may feel small or ignored, and we internalize that in our self-esteem.

You don’t have to force yourself to be more talkative to fix this. Instead, look for a way to express yourself that feels rewarding rather than draining. Some examples include:

Use your writing skills to express yourself. You can do this in several ways, including texting, or by sending thoughtful letters, postcards, and thank-you notes.
Embrace social media to express yourself. This may mean you film TikToks, share your artwork/music/writing, or make an account around a passion or interest of yours. For some introverts, talking to a camera feels more natural than talking to a stranger, and if you prefer, you don’t have to be on camera at all.
Have one-on-one conversations. Talking to someone individually can feel more comfortable and meaningful than speaking in a group. It allows you to share your thoughts and feelings without the pressure of a larger audience, making it easier to express yourself authentically.

2. Speak positively about your introversion.

It’s easy to view your introversion itself as holding you back. Flip the script on that narrative by talking positively about your introversion. You might even introduce yourself that way with a little humor during awkward ice-breakers or at parties.

The thing is, if we see our introversion as a bad thing, other people will too. It becomes a self-fulfilling cycle. But if we recognize our strengths as introverts and feel confident in them, others will see those strengths as well.

If you struggle to see your introversion positively, try some self-talk or daily affirmations. Here are some things you might say to yourself:

“I am thoughtful and reflective.”
“I am a great listener and people feel heard around me.”
“My ability to observe helps me understand situations deeply.”
“I bring calm and stability to my relationships.”

It can also help to make a list of your individual strengths related to your introversion. For example, you might:

Have strong empathy, allowing you to connect deeply with others, like when you comfort your friend or child who’s upset.
Excel in creative activities like writing poetry or painting.
Have the ability to focus deeply on tasks, leading to high-quality work.
Think deeply about things, giving you a unique perspective and insight that others might miss.

Recognize and celebrate these strengths to build confidence in your introversion.

Do you ever struggle to know what to say?

As an introvert, you actually have the ability to be an amazing conversationalist — even if you’re quiet and hate small talk. To learn how, we recommend this online course from our partner Michaela Chung. Click here to check out the Introvert Conversation Genius course.

3. Cultivate deeper connections with friends.

Introverts will never keep up with extroverts on sheer quantity of connections and friendships — but we don’t have to. Instead, we can focus instead on quality. For example:

Choose one or two close friends and ask if they want to plan a monthly life check-in. This is where you get together in person and discuss your struggles, goals, and what’s happened lately in your life. In other words, you can become each other’s confidants and advisors. This not only deepens your friendship, but it can also help you move toward your goals and build success in your life, which dramatically increases self-esteem.
Practice being vulnerable with people. When you’re vulnerable, you invite vulnerability in return, deepening your connection with others. You also start to take ownership over your flaws and weaknesses, or find humor in them, which helps improve self-esteem. Start by being vulnerable with friends, but as you get more comfortable, start doing it with acquaintances, too. You’d be surprised how much this transforms relationships. For example, you might share your honest thoughts and feelings, saying something like, “I really hate camping. Like, a lot.” Or, “I’m really proud of that.” (Here are some more ideas to turn small talk into vulnerable, meaningful conversation.)
Actively maintain ties with old friends. As an introvert, I run away from unplanned phone calls, and half the time I can’t even muster the energy to text someone back. That means it’s easy to grow apart from everyone but my few closest friends. So I offset this by doing a smaller number of planned phone calls to catch up — and I don’t find these nearly so draining. (In fact, they’re fun!) Once a week, on my free evening, I call at least one friend or relative to catch up. If they don’t answer, fine, I shoot them a text and try someone else. The result is a conversation that happens when I’m ready and expecting it, and a stronger relationship with someone I may not have seen in person for months or even years.

All of these deeper connections pay off in unforeseen ways, especially for self-esteem. After all, there is nothing that boosts your confidence in yourself like knowing you are surrounded by people who understand and care about you.

4. Balance alone time with planned social time.

Perhaps the single greatest thing introverts need for our well-being is alone time — lots of uninterrupted, unstructured time to ourselves. But we often forget that perhaps the second greatest key to our well-being is social connection. The problem is, many of the social plans on offer are last-minute invites (yuck), big events (no thank you), or “obligations” we don’t really want to attend (ugh). So we end up canceling our plans or not enjoying them when we do actually attend.

Instead, plan social time into your schedule, but plan it on your own terms. That might mean setting up a one-on-one brunch with a friend or grabbing a beer during a slower time (rather than a popular Thursday night). It also might mean planning and organizing introvert-friendly activities you like, or simply being alone in a public place, like a restaurant or park. Or it may mean reserving only one or two nights of the week for social events, and saying “no” to anything other than the most important invites outside of that time.

However you do it, when you start to build in social time you’re excited about, you’ll find yourself feeling more positive in general and, in particular, feeling more positive about yourself.

And then you can go right back to quietly reading a book with your phone turned off…

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