How to Be Quiet and Fierce at the Same Time
Many people wrongly assume that if you’re quiet, you’re somehow broken — but confidence can be quiet, too.
If you’re an introvert like me, I’m sure you’ve heard that dreaded phrase: “You’re so quiet, like a mouse.”
I never know how to respond. My first reaction is to look my interlocutor straight in the eye while I breathe in slowly. I try not to make it obvious that I’m gathering as much patience as I can for the interaction that will inevitably follow.
One time, at a job, some coworkers discussed how I was “quiet like a mouse” right in front of me. At another job, out of the blue, three coworkers asked me (one at a time) why I was so quiet — all on the same day. By the time coworker No. 3 came into my office, I was seriously considering putting up a sign that said, “I’m an introvert. It’s just my personality.”
The Misconception of Being Quiet
What do you want me to say? I guess this question comes from the perception that if you’re quiet, you must be broken. There must be some traumatic event hidden in your past that left you like this — because happy, healthy people are talkative, right? So when they ask you this question, even if you appreciate their good intentions and concern, you can’t help but notice that their eyes are giving you a “lost puppy dog” stare.
And it’s annoying AF.
On top of that, being quiet puts you in the same category as a mouse. So how do you shed the image of the small, fearful creature the public eye has matched you with — and reclaim your inner fierceness?
You’re Perfectly Fine Just the Way You Are
First things first: We live in a world built around the extrovert ideal, meaning society assumes that extroverted traits are both the default and the preferred way of being. Susan Cain writes about this damaging idea in her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
While the extrovert ideal has likely influenced how others perceive you, the truth is, it’s YOUR own self-image that matters most.
Introversion comes with an array of superpowers: focus, intuition, creativity, a larger-than-life inner world. You’re the one creating deep, meaningful bonds in a world drunk on social media. You’re the one who notices the important details that other people overlook.
Confidence doesn’t show up the same way for everyone, so don’t hold yourself to a one-size-fits-all standard. If it makes your extroverted friends talkative and bubbly, good for them! That may not be the case for you — and that’s okay
That being said, here’s what has helped me leave behind the “mouse” label.
How to Be Both Quiet and Fierce
1. Own your silence.
There’s nothing like being comfortable with your own silence. It may seem like I’m preaching to the choir with this one, but it’s not so simple in practice.
More often than not, I found I was only comfortable with my own silence when I was alone. In public, though, I felt an invisible timer in the back of my mind counting the seconds since I last spoke — pushing me to say something, anything, because I didn’t want to be perceived as slow or stupid.
On other occasions, I would overthink whether the other person was comfortable with the silence. I felt like it was my responsibility to keep things smooth and pleasant, to avoid inconveniencing them with an awkward pause.
But eventually, I realized these are all constructs that had crept into my mind thanks to the extrovert ideal. The truth is, silence is just silence. It doesn’t make you anything more — or anything less.
So, my advice to you is to learn to feel comfortable in your own rhythm of speaking. Don’t force yourself to interject or say more if you don’t really have anything to communicate. Don’t drain your social battery with fake bubbliness just to make others more comfortable.
And certainly don’t think your lack of words makes you any less interesting or captivating. The “strong, silent” stereotype exists for a reason! (If you’re not convinced, imagine for a moment a chatty Batman. Case closed.)
Whenever you start thinking that being quiet makes you any less fierce, remember all the real and imaginary heroes, heroines, villains, mysterious seductresses, and power figures who make silence part of their mystique. A few examples? John Wick, Audrey Hepburn, Abraham Lincoln, Black Widow, Magneto… You’re in good company.
2. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay (so stop trying to find the “right” way to interact).
To some people, this statement will sound like a real Debbie Downer. But if you let it sink in — truly sink in — it can be one of the most freeing paradigm shifts you’ll ever make.
Since it’s common for introverts to feel at a disadvantage in social situations — especially around people we’re not familiar with — we may try to find “the right way” to interact and put extra pressure on ourselves to follow that protocol (whatever that means in our heads). It might sound like, “If I’m not going to say much, at least I’ll make my comments count by saying the right things.”
So at a gathering, we concentrate on finding the perfect gap in the conversation where we can insert that thoughtful or sarcastic comment we planned in advance… only to find, two hours later, that we’ve said nothing because that moment never came.
The thing is, if some people won’t like you no matter what, there will be no “right way” to get them to like you. The beauty of this is: You can choose to be unapologetically true to yourself.
It can feel a little overwhelming the first few times you interact using a more unfiltered version of yourself. That’s okay. You can do it gradually. Use a tool like Mel Robbins’s 5 Second Rule to give you the courage to step outside your comfort zone.
You might implement the 5 Second Rule like this: The next time you arrive at a party, take a deep breath and count backward from 5 to 1 before ringing the doorbell. When you get to 1, drop part of your inner filter and ring the bell. This gives you both the prep time and a specific cue for action. From that point on, do as Madonna said: Express yourself.
Yes, you may discover that you have unpopular opinions or that not everyone will get your witty Star Wars reference. But you know what? The number of people who will laugh at your Star Wars joke may surprise you. There will be people who find you interesting — people who “get” you. They may even come from the most unexpected places. These are the people who will like you for who you really are.
The rest? Well, haters gonna hate. Forget ’em.
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3. Find ways to share your gifts on your own terms.
I can already hear you saying, “Do I have to?”
No, not really. No one can force you to do it if you don’t want to. But I will tell you this: Getting out of your comfort zone and having new experiences will make you feel like a superstar — just for daring yourself to do it.
Many people confuse introversion with shyness, and even though there are people who are both, this misconception could be the culprit behind the idea that introverts aren’t good at putting themselves out there. The problem is, introverts have been told this construct since they were young, and many of us believed it without knowing any better.
Now, the key here is to engage. Notice that I didn’t say “public speaking” or “approach random people on the street.” Introverts usually have to make an extra effort to speak on the fly, so this is not about “overcoming your weakness” or feeling inadequate when you sense you weren’t up to the task.
As an introvert, you have many gifts — both intellectual and creative — so think about how you could share them with others. For example, I’ve been on stage many times as a dancer, and I love it. Truth be told, I get uncomfortable after the show ends, when the public comes to mingle with the artists. Improvising in front of 50 people in a flashy costume? Done! Making small talk with a member of the audience afterward? Ehm… no thanks.
Even as a very introverted person, I’ve found dance to be the language that allows me to communicate easily and confidently in front of strangers. Stepping on stage is always worth it; greeting the audience at the end is a small price to pay for the feelings of pride and empowerment I get.
In fact, for many introverts, public performance is empowering because it allows us to finally share our beautiful inner landscape with others. The trick is to do it on your terms.
It doesn’t have to be an ongoing activity. It doesn’t have to be in person, either. Nonverbal communication is fine, too. You could be a video game streamer, submit your poetry for publication, or play your violin at a nearby café — or with a band.
You’ll need time alone to recharge after these types of interactions, but the feeling of offering your gifts to the world will stick with you, help you shed limiting beliefs, and reaffirm that you are fully in control of the process — like the rock star you are.
So the next time someone labels you a “quiet mouse,” you’ll know for certain that you’re really a fierce black mamba. The rest of the world will catch up soon enough. 
