The One Word You Must Learn as an INFJ

Some INFJs may find themselves becoming martyrs. So, to take care of ourselves, we INFJs need to add a new word to our vocabulary.

It seemed to come out of nowhere. They were so adamant that you didn’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll end up having a good time, you thought. You felt guilty when you considered refusing.

And now, here you are.

You look at the clock; you only have an hour left. Lying back down on the bed, you stretch out and let out a long, deep sigh. There’s no real way to get out of this now.

You have to start getting ready or you’ll be late.

Slowly pulling yourself back up to stare at the outfit you had picked out the night before, the usual reasons you store in your arsenal of excuses begin to come up:

“You know, I don’t think I’m going to make it tonight. I don’t feel great/I’m too tired.”

“Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! I totally forgot we were having the party tonight!”

And so on.

But then, following these (usually) mostly untrue excuses, is the guilty voice in your head.

You can’t cancel this time. You’ve been saying no to these invitations for weeks. Everyone is going to think you’re a stuck-up prick.

If you don’t go, what would you miss out on?

INFJ, do any of these sound familiar?

No matter what time of the year, it can be virtually impossible to dodge the barrage of invitations from friends, coworkers, and family. This means a lot of us are going to end up playing out a version of this scenario. You, dreading the plans you willingly agreed to… again.

As INFJs, we often have a penchant for wanting to please others, and we absolutely despise arguments and confrontation. So is there really any way to please everyone and find balance while also staying true to ourselves?

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The INFJ Martyr

Some INFJs find themselves trapped in an exhausting cycle of self-imposed martyrdom. A martyr complex occurs when someone constantly sacrifices their own needs for the sake of others. They may feel like they always have to be there for others, no matter how utterly tired and tapped out they feel. They do this to feel needed or to avoid conflict.

According to psychologist Sharon Martin, martyrs often feel helpless, as if they are trapped and victimized by other people’s demands. In certain families and cultures, martyrdom is expected and celebrated, particularly among women.

Martyrdom usually leads to resentment and burnout because the martyrs are neglecting themselves. It’s like lighting candles for others with a flame that dwindles, eventually leaving only smoke and darkness. In romantic relationships, martyrdom can spiral into codependency or even make INFJs a target for narcissists.

The Word INFJs Must Learn

So, in order to take care of ourselves, we INFJs need to add a new word to our vocabulary.

That word is “no,” otherwise known as setting boundaries.

It’s not uncommon for INFJs to struggle with setting boundaries. However, all personality types can struggle with boundary-setting, and having healthy boundaries is crucial for everyone, whether introvert or extrovert, INFJ or not. Here’s why:

Healthy boundaries help us prioritize. They enable us to take care of ourselves first, so we are refreshed and better equipped to take care of others.
Saying no allows us to work with our natural tendencies — instead of against them — enabling us to be our best selves.
Boundaries teach both us and others to respect our needs.
Saying no gives us the freedom to explore our true desires and needs, and to be honest about them.
Boundaries allow us to enforce them without feeling guilty.

When to Use Your New Word

For INFJs and other introverted personality types, it often goes something like this:

You get a text out of the blue: “What are you doing tonight? We’re (insert popular extroverted activity here) and you should come. What do you say? Please?! And don’t say no, it would be good for you to get out.”

You feel cornered. Guilt begins to cloud your resolve to say no. Suddenly, the plans you had to stay at home and catch up on the new book you’re reading seem selfish and sad.

Faking enthusiasm, you reply, “Sure, I’ll be there.”

This is a classic guilty INFJ moment; a time when boundaries are your best weapon of defense.

When someone invites you to an event or asks you to take on another project at work, know your limits. If you can’t answer on the spot, be firm and tell them, “I’ll need to get back to you.” Give yourself time to think about it in order to decide what you truly feel and need.

How INFJs Can Set Boundaries

So what does setting boundaries in these types of situations look like? Here are some examples:

Allowing yourself to be kind but honest.
Accepting your needs and feelings as the priority.
Realizing you don’t need to feel guilty.

They might go like this:

Someone texts you out of the blue: “Hey, I’m having a party tonight at 6, and I’d love it if you’d be there.”

You: “Well, let me think about it.” (You remember you haven’t had more than an hour of alone time this week.) “Actually, I think I’m going to have to pass. Thanks so much for inviting me though.”

And even though they may beg, you stick to your decision. You keep reminding yourself that it’s not selfishness, it’s self-care. This helps you stay true to your caring, empathetic nature.

Another scenario:

“Don’t forget the company party tonight! It’s at 6! Be there!”

You go to the party (since it’s practically mandatory), make an appearance, say hello to a few people, and once you feel the need for the quiet comfort of your home, you discreetly leave.

You are in tune with your feelings and aren’t ashamed of who you are.

After all, you may not enjoy partying in a crowd, but you do enjoy socializing with a few close friends.

Here are some more tips for peace-loving introverts to set better boundaries.

When You Set Boundaries, You Have More Energy

So although we INFJs may struggle with being martyrs, making us feel like we need to sacrifice ourselves and our desires at all times, this is not necessary. Balance is key.

While it can be challenging, setting boundaries will also minimize the feeling we often have of being taken advantage of. You’ll begin to have more energy to actually do the things that make you happy as an INFJ, like lending a listening ear, infusing your caring and creativity into your work, and so on.

The more you allow yourself to be who you are, the easier it gets. You’ll develop a stronger sense of self and resist being always the “savior.”

After all, as much as we may not like to admit it, we INFJs are only human. And saying no helps us remember that as much as we want to take care of the world, we also need care, too.

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